My thoughts are clouded today. Not just today, but for the last 3 weeks. Very clouded. I want to write, I want to share with you, but I just don’t know how to start. I can’t seem to organize my thoughts. Can you relate?
Thanksgiving is here. The season of giving thanks, giving gifts, being hopeful and joyful with peace, is upon us. Can we be thankful? Is there true peace In your life today? Enough to get you though the next month? Can you find hope in the midst of grief?
I am struggling with all of the above. Now to be honest, I can give you a list. Like the one in my earlier post, “What Does It Mean To Be Happy?”. I am thankful for those things. I am grateful to the Lord for his provision and protection. Is that enough? It should be. I am trying to find my way in the darkness that sometimes surrounds me. Not every day. Not all the time, but it comes and envelops me on occasion.
November 25th marks the 2 year anniversary that I lost my dad. My best friend. The man whom I could bring anything to and he would fix it. The one I spoke on the phone with every Sunday for 12 years. We talked about everything and anything. From football to food, guns to cars. And anything in between. Our chats would last anywhere from 20 minute to an hour and a half. I was always grateful for that time. He was sick. His time was short and we both knew it. I cherished our time on the phone. I miss that.
So with the Season of Joy, Peace, Hope and Thanksgiving upon us. I search for the good in the loss that I have incurred. There is one thing I can say today with confidence. The one good thing that has come from loosing my dad. My relationship with my mom. It has changed. We moved her here in June. That was a huge step for all of us. She was selfish, miserable and a drunk. Now I am sure she is still all of those things, but one thing has changed in the last 2 months. She is willing. She is willing to cut back on her beer, with my help of course. I take it to her every evening so she only gets so much. She is willing to eat. I make sure she has 3 meals a day. She hasn’t gained any weight, but she sure looks better. Her face is fuller, more supple. Nutrition has helped her a great deal.
With her new found willingness to accept help from me, knowing she can’t do this on her own, our relationship has changed. We laugh. We talk. We do things together. We enjoy each others company. None of this has really happened since I was 15. It’s a good thing and I am grateful.
We all have loss. In everything we gain and loose something. Again, it’s all in our perspective. What we allow to enter our mind, what takes root in our hearts, is what we focus on. Today, the day before Thanksgiving. The anniversary of the day I lost my most cherished friend. i choose to focus on the good. On the memories of a time when my heart was full. Not without tears mind you, but with Joy, Peace and a Hope for the future. Hope for my mom and our relationship.
I guess I am no longer clouded. I just needed to sit down and write it out.
Happy Thanksgiving! May you find hope, peace and Joy as you dwell on what you are grateful for.
Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
In Christ Jesus ~ Sabrina