Well it’s been a month or so since I’ve put anything to paper, so to speak. This chapter really was hard for me, but not because of what you might think. Breaking Free by Beth Moore, week 5, was about childhood trauma.
Like many, I’ve had my fair share of childhood trauma. I could go into the details without batting an eye, but really it doesn’t matter what happened to me. What matters is how I handled it. How I came out of it as an adult.
After hearing my testimony, I’ve had pastors tell me that they are surprised I am normal. I guess I am mostly normal. I was saved at 22. I am 46 now. I think I’ve had time to heal from the abuse I suffered.
I think about it sometimes and wonder if I’d change anything.. I don’t think I would really. Childhood was awful, but I am a strong, independant woman because of what I endured. I chose my spouse carefully and raised my kids purposefully. So, if my marriage is strong and secure and if my children are good honest people because of my childhood, then Praise the Lord.
Chapter 5 took me so long, frankly because I was so uninterested in it. Not because it was bad, but because it really didn’t apply to me. After the first day, I mulled it over for a week, then the next day, I mulled over for another week, and so on.
It just wasn’t the chapter for me. Not because I wasn’t abused, but because I’m fairly certain I’ve worked through the abuse. I thought for sure I was missing something. “Shouldn’t I be bawling my eyes out at the moment? Should’t this hurt more?” But I wasn’t and it didn’t.
At 22, I called my step dad when I’d heard he was in the hospital for another attempted suicide and told him I forgave him for all the awful, wrong ways he treated me. For how he hurt me and my mom. I know it wasn’t how I felt in the moment, but I was so compelled to say it. When he was murdered by his girlfriend a year or so later, I cried like a baby. I truly believe the Lord healed me of so much during that time.
However, IF you were hurt and abused as a child and have some things to work through yet, I encourage you to purchase this bible study from Amazon. Work though it. The Lord has something for you here.
61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
The Lord has come to bind up the brokenhearted to release the captives from darkness. He has come to set us free. And we are free indeed!
Day 5 of week 5 did catch my attention. It’s titled, “Hearts Broken by Loss”. If you know me at all, you know I have been broken by loss. Losing my daddy was the single most painful thing that has ever happened in my life.
My abusive childhood was a cake walk compared to the pain of watching my daddy slip into a diabetic coma and die. So when she brought up this type of brokenness, I was able to focus and see that the Lord has healed me from so much, but there is still more to do.
The main theme of week 5 for me, is what do we do with the pain of our childhoods or loss? Do we allow the enemy to use it as a bondage? Because he will try. Or do we allow the Lord to work through us for His glory? Because He can and does if we let Him.
I no longer think about my abusive childhood unless it is brought up. Then I just sorta shrug and move on. But I doubt I will ever be over loosing my daddy. I will however, let the Lord do what He does best, bind up my brokenness.
“Joy and effectiveness may seem to pause for a while as grief takes it’s course, but those who allow their broken hearts to be bound by Christ will experience them again. Our savior is the God of resurrection life, no matter what kind of death has occurred in the life of any believer.” (from day 5 of week 5)
We need to let the Lord bind up our brokenness. Once we do that, we can heal and be effective for the cause for Christ.
What brokenness do you need to hand over to the Lord?